In 72 hours, I will be standing before Clutch at a sold out show at The Machine Shop in Flint, MI. I suspect this may be the most badass venue I will ever set foot in and I do so with great enthusiasm. After a decade of seeing Clutch once a year since 1997, I have now gone just over five years without catching a live performance. The last time I caught a Clutch show was New Year’s Eve 2008. I missed their next MI show in September 2009 in order to attend the first live performance from the band Ron was in, Numpt, at Rubbles. For some reason, I have been missing them ever since. But not this weekend. This weekend, I’m back in the crowd-surfing pit action. Yesssssss!!!!
It does not seem like it has been five years since that New Year’s, which, consequently, was one of the best ever, thanks to Clutch and the friends I celebrated with. It seems like it has been so much longer. I squeezed in a whole lifetime of a relationship with Ron Clark in just over three short years. I was with him through his illness and at the time of his death, even throwing together a quickie wedding to seal the deal when that became important to us. So much happened in such a very short amount of time. And I have now been a widow for just over 20 months. All of that since I last saw Clutch.
Recapping, because it kinda blows my mind, since my last Clutch show: I was “officially” dumped by my then-boyfriend of almost 10 years, met Ron and instantly fell in love, had an intense long distance courtship, moved him into my house, learned he had terminal cancer, took care of him during his illness, got married, became a widow, joined a roller derby team, and, for the first time in my life, became self-sufficiently happy being a single, independent woman. Is it no wonder that it seems like more than five years would have to have spanned for all of that to have taken place? It’s a whole lotta life to cram in.
What else involves fives in the near future? My birthday this year. Turning 35. I am definitely feeling my age. Yet also kinda not, as I live this fabulously free and fun single life that is not at all where I envisioned myself, but is everything I want at this moment. An older coworker recently reflected that her 30’s were her favorite years. I have to agree. I don’t think my life has ever been any better than it has been since turning 30 and meeting Ron, even though that includes the terrible tragedy of losing him. The blessing from losing him is that I have figured out who I am and what makes me happy on my own, not in relation to anyone else. And I have learned I can accomplish a lot on my own. And I have gained this incredible derby family that I could never have imagined having before and who I cannot imagine not having in my life going forward. Yes, my 30’s have been far more tragic than what most experience and I am sad about that. I am sad about not having Ron at my side physically, though I never doubt he is by my side. But I am also grateful to have experienced so much and developed such an understanding of mortality, the fragility of life, and the beauty of each moment we are gifted. Have no doubts about it; each moment is definitely a gift and not a guarantee.
Friends, I admit I have been avoiding this next topic a little bit, which is part of why I feel like I need to speak to it. Otherwise, I am living my life in secret and everyone who knows me knows I do not keep myself a secret. Even though I know it is normal and important to explore new relationships, I still feel some twinge of guilt in doing so. Ron never verbally gave me the go-ahead to fall in love again (though he did give rather explicit and hilarious permission to have plenty of roller derby girl-on-girl bedroom action, which has not happened . . . yet). Anyway, after a year and a half without kissing anyone, I made out with a boy after our last home bout of 2013. It was just for fun at our after party and he and I both understood it was going nowhere after this one random encounter; right place, right time. He approached me and, of course, because I cannot just keep my mouth shut and let things happen, I had to tell him that I was a widow and hadn’t kissed anyone in a long time. “It’s still happening,” he said. And it did. And it was really fun. I had a few weird feelings, as it was my first-ever bar hook-up adventure, but they were only mildly weird and I knew Ron wouldn’t really mind.
So there was that. And that really did not feel like a big deal, other than excitement that I could still feel cute and fun. Then there has also been this unique thing that started with a long time, brother-from-another-mother, close friend of mine. The dynamic between us just shifted rather suddenly. And he felt like a safe way for me to approach getting back into the world of physical closeness with others after two years without that type of contact. Even with this, I did not feel guilt. Ron loved this friend, too, and I honestly believe he would be/is just laughing his ass off that it happened, it really was so unexpected.
But because this friend and I care so much about one another, a whole world of texting and emailing and phone calls opened up. And it turned into having someone who cared about me on a day-to-day basis. Someone I cared about on a day to day basis. Support. Smiles. Honest affection and love. Compliments. Flirting. It was all so fun. Yet I knew it was going to end. There is actual love between us, which simultaneously confounds and compliments the situation, but it is not boyfriend/girlfriend love and it is not soul-mate/life-partner love. And that seemed ok at first. I felt pretty good about just having an open, undefined relationship with my out-of-town friendly friend. I am not looking to replace Ron (I know I never will). I am not even looking for anything long term or serious. With derby, work, the house, friends, family, travel, and the dogs - I have no time to have a serious relationship. I am just trying some things out, to see how they fit and how they feel.
During the course of this scenario, my friendly friend and I have been defining what it is and what it is not between us. At some point I realized that the benefit of the arrangement, for me, was based on filling an emotional void. I liked having someone who checked in with me daily and cared about how I was doing. I liked feeling cute again. I liked someone encouraging and supporting me with derby. I liked asking someone for advice about house stuff. I liked feeling a closer connection to this one person than I do to all the other phenomenal people in my life. Knowing that it is nothing serious made me feel nervous about becoming emotionally dependent on the fun and positive communication. Until I am in a real relationship with another person, I don’t want to depend on anyone in particular to give me those warm-fuzzy feelings. Better that they come from friends, family, teammates, coworkers, animals, and others I encounter in my community at random times than for me to start to anticipate them coming from one person . . . which inevitably leads to disappointment when that need is no longer being met. This seemed particularly important to recognize when we were lining it up for me to be disappointed with such a very good, long-term friend. I don’t want to wind up feeling poorly about him or our friendship. I felt like I needed to call it off. So I did. And he let me. And we remain friends and who knows what will happen down the road. Everything remains full of love and possibility and the sense of adventure. I’m still smiling.
Calling it off does not come without sadness, though. I am missing the communication. I want to text him and tell him I made a mistake and that we should just proceed as we had been, but I know that is probably not healthy for either of us in the long run. It is a loss not to have him in my daily life after enjoying frequent communication for the past several weeks. But, it is not anywhere near the loss I have already experienced in my 30’s, so I know I can cope with it and be OK. I am just feeling sad. And admittedly drinking a bit more than usual to get through it, though I know that will not go on for ever. I will mend. Things will be awesome on my own again, as they were before. And I still have this awesome friend in my life. And we will just continue to define who we are as time goes on. I am totally winning here.
Even though my heart hurts, I don’t have any regrets about the experience. It has been fun. And more importantly it helped me realize that I am open to new experiences and other people being a part of my life. And it helped me see that I have a desire to be loved again and to express love for someone else (a HUGE step for me). I know this love will not be the same as the love I experienced with Ron, as each love is unique and he and I certainly shared something truly special. But, as a wise friend (also a pseudocrush) once told me, “The human ability to love and be loved is infinite. It's one of the few things we can add to without taking away from something else.” I am not looking for anyone. But I am open to love and I think I now have a greater awareness to recognize these feelings in myself and in others when the time is right.
About the potential guilt factor . . . Ron may not have given me “permission” to find another love. But I know he would not want me to be lonely and devoid of love and intimacy for the rest of my life. Even his family (which always surprises me) consistently advocates for me to find someone and to be happy. Though I have the twinge of wishing I were some kind of superhero widow who could die alone after sharing only three years with her true love, I think I have to admit that this notion (while once my lifeblood) is 1) unrealistic, and 2) not me. I am coming to accept that I will have a full, well-rounded, truly happy life. I have a lot of love to give. And I will keep giving it to Ron. But I would also like to bestow some of it upon the living and receive love back in return. I think Ron would be OK with that. I feel gratitude for getting to this place where I can see this now.
Five years since my last Clutch show. So. Much. Life. What will the next five years bring? Lots more love and gratitude for everything and everyone in my life, this much I know.
Comments
Post a Comment