I have been so stressed out this year. Financially in trouble. Overcommitted time-wise. Feeling guilt for not spending enough time with family and non-derby friends. Heart broken as I witness steep decline in both dogs’ health and am faced with hard, looming choices. Trying to sell my house. Trying to keep up with the demands of the house. It is just a lot.
I do it mostly alone. I don’t ask for help as often as I actually need it. And when I do, I feel guilty for that, too. Somewhere in my lifetime I wrote the script where I need to be awesome and not need anyone but myself. This is just not feasible. We all need help.
Every now and then, I have a taste of closeness with someone. And when I do, I am reminded of how much I miss that. I miss emotional connection. I miss physical touch. When I get a small sample, I want more, more, more and it consumes me a little, my desire for partnership.
Thank goodness for derby, where it is regular practice not just to hit and be hit, but also to grope and be groped. I know that sounds weird, but it is the most social and physical contact I get during the average week and who knows where I would be without it. But, I have to remind myself in regular life that it is not OK to walk up to someone and grab their butt or boob as a greeting. And it is not OK to hip check or Johnny crash coworkers or family members as a sign of affection or admiration. But in derby, it is, and I know this awesome, weird world makes me a better person.
When I feel lonely and yearn for more than what I have, something happens to remind me that I am too busy to keep close company in my life. Do I keep myself too busy as a way to avoid loneliness? Or as a way to be unavailable for a deeper relationship with someone? Because of course I still just want Ron Clark back. Which I will not get. But would it be fair to have a thing with anyone who is not Ron? Maybe fair doesn’t matter. Maybe what matters is what I can handle and what the hypothetical someone else, willingly and knowingly entering into my life, can handle.
In spite of loneliness. In spite of feeling overwhelmed and having too much to do and not enough help to do it all. In spite of consistently being the not-quite-pretty-enough but convenient-enough friend. In spite of wanting to be seen and really loved wholly, the way Ron could see and love me. In spite of all of it, I do sometimes feel loved. Today, I feel loved. It is not one thing. No resounding moment I can tell you about. I just feel like I have a lot of people who do care and support me. Friends from long ago. New friends. Acquaintances that have become friends. Coworkers. My derby family. My sweet little niece, now on Skype since they moved to South Carolina, singing back to me the song I’ve been singing to her since she was born. My family. My dogs. My own slow-growing respect for myself. The spirit of Ron, which is with me always. All of this love is immense and ever expanding and evolving. I just need to allow myself to feel and recognize it.
I haven’t blogged much this year out of fear that all it would be is complaints and venting frustration and whiny pleas for sympathy. It has been a downcast year for me. Of course I have been through and survived worse. I know and can appreciate that, but still, it has not been pleasant. I need to keep my focus on what I do have instead of what I don’t. So, in this moment when I can feel the love, I wanted to blog to acknowledge that there really is a lot of it in my life. I have so much love to give and I enjoy giving it. And I also enjoy receiving.
Thanks to all who have been a part of the exchange. You make a difference.