An Anniversary - Take Two

I said December was full of anniversaries and firsts.  I did not lie.  That means more frequent blogging for a little bit.

This evening marks the anniversary of the night before Ron was diagnosed with cancer two years ago.  Two years ago, we were sleeping in our bed not knowing what was wrong with him.  Two years ago, we were like any other normal couple with everyday financial worries and what we hoped were just mild health concerns.  Please, friends, love the ones you are with.  Love them so much and so fiercely.  We never know how long we have or where we will find ourselves in a few years or months or even weeks.

I am missing Ron so fucking hard this evening.  He was my biggest crush and greatest love.  No matter how busy I make myself or how full I can make my life, there is no substitute for his presence.  I wish I could somehow wind back the clock to go to a time before all of this started.  I just want more time with him.  In a way, with my memories, I can have it, replaying and replaying what little time we did share.  And yet I question whether I am living in the past when I do this and what good that does me now. 

I wonder if he is with me or not.  I wonder where he is.  I wonder what he gets to do.  I wonder how he feels.  I wonder if he ever misses me and if so, how it is different for the dead to miss the living from the way it hurts so bad for the living to miss the dead.  I wonder if he heard the new Mike Doughty album or if he has already seen the Hobbit movie.  I like to think he has access to whatever he wants nowadays . . . and that he doesn't even have to pilfer it from the internets.  A friend recently texted me about how when we get to where he is, he will cook us great fattening feasts and then we will all smoke cigarettes afterward because nothing can be bad for you when you are in heaven.  I liked this thought so much that I wrote to Ron about it immediately.

I feel at a loss for words this evening, so instead I give you three significant couple-self-portraits we took.

This is the first picture Ron and I ever took together.  We were at the Shepherd Maple Syrup Festival and it was raining on us as we attempted to go to the carnival.

 

4/24/09

This is one of the last pictures of us from before Ron was diagnosed, 

just before we left for Ann Arbor.

12/11/10

I think this is the last picture of Ron and me together, taken with a disposable camera just days after he turned 30 and a less than a week before he died.  I have not shown it to anyone until posting it now, though I developed the film about a month ago.  I love it and hate it at the same time.  It is like getting hit by a truck, seeing how happy we were.  I knew he was dying yet I didn't see it coming.

5/2/12

A year ago, I started writing this blog.  It began with An Anniversary.  I had been thinking I would end it now, a full year from starting.  But I realize I am not done yet.  There is still some therapeutic value yet to be had.  So, for now, I will continue.