Sometimes, it is nice to take a break from the sad and focus on something light and happy. I am planning a birthday party for Ron. It feels good to have something to look forward to, for both me and him.
Initially, when Ron was diagnosed at age 28, none of the medical professionals involved seemed to believe he would live to be 30. His cancer was too far progressed. Ron, however, was optimistic. He was certain he would live “many, many more years.” I am sure it was his hope, optimism, and strong will to live that have helped him survive far beyond anyone’s expectations.
More recently, Ron’s certainty that he will make it to 30 has waned. As he became weaker and more dependent over the past couple months, he started to question whether he would see his 30th birthday. Oddly enough, as his confidence in making it to this momentous date decreased, my belief that he would see it increased. In talking with his hospice nurse, Pam, I was reinforced. He is getting weaker, but all of his vital signs are good and his lungs and heart are strong. Barring the unforeseen, it is very likely Ron will live to turn 30 years old on 4/28/12 . This is truly joyful news.
For a couple weeks, I have been hinting around about his birthday, trying to get a feel for how he wanted to celebrate. I could detect nothing. So, last weekend, I asked Ron the following questions . . . and was met with these responses:
Me – What do you want for your birthday?
Ron – Nothing.
M – Do you want to go someplace? I could look around and try to find a place to stay that has an adjustable bed.
R – No.
M – Do you want to have a big party?
R – No.
M – Do you want to get together with your friends to play cards?
R – No.
M – Do you wanna just go out together for a nice dinner?
R – No.
M – Do you want to have a small party at the house?
R – No.
M - Do you want to do anything at all?
R – No.
M – Isn’t there anything I can get you?
R – No.
As you can see, I was getting nowhere. So, I gave up. I was telling Pam about this predicament during her visit on Monday. She asked Ron if he still felt that way. He shrugged said he kind of did. As I was walking her out, she asked quietly, “What if you just planned something anyway?” I answered, “I don’t know. Let me think.”
In pondering this suggestion, I concluded that maybe just talking about the birthday and all the options was wearing Ron down. I realized that he wouldn’t be mad at me for trying to do something nice in an attempt to make him happy. So, I proceeded with Pam’s suggestion to just go forward with planning something. Tuesday morning, I started sending emails to various facilities large enough to host a big gathering that are also in close proximity to our house, so that there would be no stress of travel for Ron.
I explained the situation in my inquiry emails. I admit that I “played the cancer card,” but in terms of significance, it seemed like the right thing to do. I wanted to make sure it could happen on Ron’s actual birthday. Many places did not have that date available. I also had to explain the very real fact that we are without income and needed a break. Most places gave us a discount that was still far too high for me to even consider ($100 an hour? Ouch!). I also was requesting that it could be a potluck, since we are on such a strict budget. Most places refused to consider this because they have their own catering services.
At last, I heard back from a place that seemed to hear and understand what was going on. And they were willing to work with us. And, it happened to be a place that I think is absolutely beautiful. The Kellogg Biological Station, which is about five minutes from our house, has the afternoon of Ron’s birthday open for availability in their main dining hall. They gave me a very reasonable rate that won’t hurt us too much. And, they agreed to make an exception, for the first time ever, to allow us to have a potluck party. YAY!!!
Once I had the good news, I approached Ron to make sure he really would be alright with this, given all of his initial apathy about his upcoming birthday. I had thought about making it a surprise party, but realized 1) that would be way too stressful for Ron, 2) I am terrible at lying and would never make it without spilling the beans, and 3) I wanted it to be what Ron wanted, which means allowing him to be involved in planning and especially in picking a guest list. At first, he was a little reluctant, though I could tell he was pleased that I had been working so hard on something intended to make him happy. He said it would be okay to have a party. He was worried he would get overwhelmed with so many people, but the more he thought about it, the more he liked the idea of being able to see all these faces in one place, on one day, without having to try to schedule them into the busy weeks and without feeling that awkward pressure to try to entertain them if they travel a long distance to see him one on one at home.
The more and more we talk about it, the more excited he has become. We worked on his guest list yesterday and I could see how happy he was to have so many friends and family to invite. Today, we drove over to the Biological Station so he could see the place himself. He was impressed with how nice it all is, especially the outside deck that seats about 50 and overlooks Gull Lake
I have a strong sense that Ron’s 30th birthday will be a great day. This makes me happy. And, I now have something to work on for the next two weeks that is positive and joyful. Similar to planning the wedding, it is such a welcome distraction for both of us to focus on.
Ron and I took some time today, after checking out the party site, to drive around enjoying the sunshine. We got some treats to sip and munch on at McDonald’s and drove around Gull and Fine lakes. We admired wildlife, landscaping, open spaces, baby animals, hills, and houses. We noticed the colors and blossoms and buds. We talked. We laughed. He came home in far better spirits than I have seen him be in over the past three weeks. I think the last time he seemed this upbeat was when we took our trip to the zoo. Sometimes it is good to get out of the house and out of our heads.
Of course, it wore him out and he has been sleeping since we got home, but, I can honestly say that for both of us, today was a good day. Today is the kind of day I want more of – a day of togetherness and happy planning and memory making.
Love this one!
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