The Wedding

I had high hopes for getting all the wedding stuff up and on the blog this weekend, but it has been busy with visitors and enjoying the warm weather.  And hasn’t it been warm this weekend, my midwest friends?  I see Ron’s energy and comfort increase with the temperatures.  He wanted to be outside for much of today and seems happier.  We plan to make the most of this week of unseasonably beautiful weather and hopefully go on an outing, if he feels up to it.

Our wedding was Friday, 3/9/12, at 2pm.  It was small because Ron is easily overwhelmed and exhausted by too many visitors.  We held it at the house to keep him comfortable and minimize any additional fatigue from travel.  Our hospice chaplain, Vic, performed the ceremony.  In attendance were Ron’s brother, Doug, and sister, Heather, as well as my brother, Dustin, and sister-in-law, Carrie.  Heather used her iPhone to Skype with Ron’s parents, Trudi and Royce, so that they could hear and see everything happening in real time.  My sister, Holly, and her boyfriend, Andy, also attended via Skype.  Plus, we had our friends, Kara and Dan, there to help us out by taking pictures and video of the event.  This was important because we have so many people we would have invited and want to share this event with, but couldn’t because of the situation.  We are hoping that capturing and sharing as much online as we possibly can helps everyone to feel included.  One last minute welcome addition to the picture-taking crew was Sidney, Dan’s mother and our previous hospice nurse.  It was a perfect size for what we can manage right now and everything went very smoothly.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am not the marrying type.  I had never really seen the point to it.  You can be committed to someone without a piece of paper or someone pronouncing you as such.  I had always declared that I would not get married.  However, shortly after I met Ron, in those first few crazily giddy months, I remember saying to Holly, “Maybe I will get married after all,” because it was something so important to him and I could see myself being with him for the rest of my life.  But, after that, months passed, and years, and there were so many other things going on that my thoughts of marriage faded.  Plus, there were all kinds of practical things to figure out, too.  For example, Ron wanted to move down here and get a good job and get his debts settled first. 

Then the diagnosis came.  Then we were just busy with that.  At one point last year, we talked about getting married, but it was overwhelming to try to figure out when, in between benefits and hospital appointments and his rounds of chemo and surgery and me working full time and us just trying to do as much of normal life we could, like attending other people’s weddings and birthdays and baby showers and such.  So, marriage just got left on the back burner for a while.

When Ron began to realize how much function he is losing, the urgency for us to take this step kicked up a notch.  He said he wanted to make it right in the eyes of God.  I am a pretty liberal person and am fairly certain that God has not been pissed at us this whole time, but . . . I can understand him wanting to take care of that detail, just in case it is for some reason a point of contention when he is standing before the pearly gates.  To me, I felt like we were already married.  The whole ‘in sickness and in health, until death do us part’ thing was already covered, since I have pretty much devoted my whole life now to caring for him.  Obviously, I am committed.  I am not going anywhere.  My love is steadfast.  But, seeing how important it was to him, I was happy to say yes.

In all actuality, we made the decision, talked to Vic about it, and had the wedding less than two weeks later.  Ron and I decided not to say anything to anyone outside of close friends and family, in part because we wanted to make sure the wedding happened first.  There was always the out-chance that when the day came, he may not have felt up to it and we would have had to postpone.  And there was the worry about people wanting to attend or to do something beforehand, which just would have been too much.  So, we kept it small and discreet.  Now that it has happened, we can shout it from the rooftops!

So, it has come to pass that I am now married.  I am still Heather Hoffman.  I am not a name changer (blame it on the Women’s Studies minor, if you like, though I think that feminist streak has been alive in me my whole life).  For clarification, for those who have wondered, this is not a legal marriage.  We don’t have a piece of paper from the courthouse.  Unfortunately, to do so would open up some tricky financial situations and would cost Ron his health insurance.  He would lose Medicaid and I would need to add him to my insurance.  Which would mean I would be paying out more from my already reduced paycheck, plus we would need the “buy up plan” to cover his treatments, and even then I don’t think the coverage would be as good as Medicaid.  There is romance and there is practicality, folks.  Since Ron was more worried about making it right with God, he is satisfied with a ceremony and marriage certificate from the chaplain.  No need for all the legalities.  We are both very happy with the arrangement.

Do I feel different now that I am married?  I have to say, I do.  Something about making that public proclamation does make it seem more official.  I am shocked to think I am someone’s wife . . . but then really happy when I realize I am sweet Ron Clark’s wife.  I got Ron’s signature tattooed on my left wrist instead of getting a ring.  I am not much of a ring person and worried that I would either 1) not wear it because wearing them drives me crazy or 2) wear it and resent wearing it.  The tattoo serves as a permanent reminder of this commitment and my love and dedication to Ron.  Ron wanted to get a tattoo, but is not physically up for that.  He also really wanted a ring, so Kara and Dan made him one.  They also made me a necklace to match my wedding attire.  We are fortunate to be able to call these talented jewelers our friends. 

So, I am still planning to blog more about the wedding, including a copy of our vows and the wedding video.  But, for now, I thought I would share this link to our Facebook Wedding Photos so that you non-Facebookers can enjoy them, too (let me know if it for some reason doesn't work).  Anyway, more details to come soon.  Thanks for your patience while I get all the content on here . . . while also trying to squeeze in some quality time with my new husband between visitors and appointments, especially on these gorgeous spring days.