Make New Friends, But Keep the Old

Nothing like a life partner’s terminal illness to show you who your real friends are. 

Before I launch into this one, I do feel the need to preface it by saying don’t panic; chances are, you are being a perfectly good friend (because most people are) and I do not want everyone going all weird on me all of a sudden.  Keep on keeping on, as they say.  But, if you are someone who has been questioning how to be there for me or avoiding me or waiting on the sidelines for me to give you some kind of secret handshake or sign that you should do something, then yes, this may apply to you. . .and there is still time to resolve it.  And maybe this doesn’t apply to me and you, but to you and someone else who is going through something big that you aren’t sure how to handle.  I (naïvely?) like to think this info could somehow be beneficial and not just me venting or babbling about my experience.

Over the past year, I have had some pretty terrific things happen with my circle of friends. . .and I have made some pretty shocking discoveries about some of my friends and their ability, or lack thereof, to be there for me/us.  This has been made all the more interesting by our technological world of email and Facebook and text messaging, etc. 

One thing that I have learned is that the support does not always come from the place that you think it will.  In fact, sometimes it comes from an unexpected person.  Through Facebook, I have had very sincere, heartfelt moments of sharing with friends living in other states/countries and friends I have not heard from in years.  I have rekindled friendships with folks with whom I had not held a real conversation with since elementary school.  I have found similarities with people who were more like acquaintances before all of this started, but who reached out to me.  I have learned we are more than acquaintances; we are people who genuinely care for one another.  I have had people reach out just to let me know they are there for me and have been through something similar.  And I have had people say they have no idea what I am going through, but they would like to be there for me, should I need them.  I have heard from people who didn’t really know me, but know Ron or know my parents or know some friend of a friend and just happened to hear what I am going through and want to be here for Ron and I.  Sometimes I get a simple text or a voicemail or an email from someone to let me know they are thinking of me and Ron, which is nice.  Even just in my posting online about the joys and frustrations of my day can help me feel more supported and connected to others through their ‘likes’ and comments.  It is a way to know I am not alone and there are people listening who care about me.  I believe this blog will have the same impact on my life.

All this social networking comes at a great time, given that I am more socially isolated these days.  My time is pretty much spent working, taking care of the house/household needs, taking care of Ron and the dogs, and enjoying their company.  With Ron, it is twofold – I need to be there more for him than I was before, and I want to be with him as much as I possibly can because I don’t know how much time we will have together.  This has made getting together with friends a bit more challenging.  It is rare anymore that I can stay in town after work for a beer or that I will go out to socialize on a Friday or Saturday night, both because I am needed at home and because I want to be at home.  But, that doesn’t mean I want to be completely disconnected from everyone.  So, as weird as I initially found the whole social networking world, it has become a necessary means for me to stay connected and it has even become a welcome and natural way for me to maintain relationships with people both near and far.  So, even if you do not see me much in real life these days, don’t give up on me or forget me.  If it was part of our relationship that we go out for drinks or lunch or whatever, don’t stop asking, but please don’t assume that I can or take it personally if I cannot.  I am here.  I promise I will go out again someday.  I will be fun again someday.  Right now, I am just being with Ron and we are holding space for a big process that is time and energy consuming. . .and it is something necessary for us.

I mentioned having some amazing experiences over the past year.  Many of these have to do with the help Ron and I have received.  I am not one to ask for help. . .like, pretty much never unless I absolutely need it.  And of course I do, now, absolutely need help and it’s still hard as hell for me to ask for it.  [Side note:  Please know that I am not expecting everyone to help in some kind of tangible way; just having love and hearing from you is enough, but if you feel compelled to go the extra mile and choose to do so, I am writing this to make sure you know it is so appreciated.]  Some people seem to know or sense that I am not good at asking and have come up with great ideas to help us.  For example, we are lucky enough to have friends and family who put together three different benefits.  The first was a concert at Rubbles in Mt. Pleasant, which not only was a great financial boost, but also allowed me and Ron to take the stage and entertain, as well as be entertained by some of our favorite local bands.  The event was so well attended and well organized that it was stress free and fun for us.  What was even more amazing was that it was attended by so many of our nearest and dearest.  Imagine going to hear a band you love and having the audience be made up entirely of people who love you and/or want to help you!  I don’t think there can be a more pleasant concert-going experience.  The next benefit was organized by a coworker and her husband.  They held a euchre tournament for Ron at the Knights of Columbus in Kalamazoo.  Again, it was well attended and I was surrounded by wonderful coworkers who showed up to play or to help run the event.  Many of them invited friends and family as a way to increase the financial support we received.  Ron and I both had a great night, even if I did very poorly at playing euchre and only got to move tables once or twice (for those who have been to one, you know that is a very bad sign).  The third benefit was a chili dinner and auction that Ron’s family organized for us at the Church of Christ in St. Louis.  It was a benefit of enormous undertaking and I felt overwhelmed seeing all the work that went into it, how many local business donated services and goods, and how many caring people came from near and far to show their support.  In each of these experiences, my heart feels like the Grinch’s when it grew three sizes in one day. . .I am just overcome with gratitude and joy and love for the people involved.  I usually wind up crying at some point, but it is a good cry – in fact, the best kind of cry you can have at a time like this.

Some folks who couldn’t make it to benefits, but wanted to help, have sent gas cards, gift cards, coupons, nutritional supplements, etc.  I had two people from my work, people who I don’t even know super well, make generous financial donations to Ron and I, just to help us get by because they recognized what we are up against.  I have several coworkers who’ve started taking turns preparing a meal each week for us.  They are known as my Food Fairies and they likely have no idea just how special this gesture is.  Not only is it providing us with nutrition and sparing our time and money for other things, but it also sometimes makes us well-up with tears just to have a home-cooked meal from someone who cares about us.  I have a close friend who also frequently prepares meals for us and a neighbor who sometimes makes a little extra soup or chicken dinner and brings it down.  The act of eating food prepared for you out of a place of kindness is so profoundly healing; I feel full when I have eaten these meals, both physically and spiritually.  I had a group of close friends who came to my house and pitched in on a plethora of chores and repairs that had me feeling overwhelmed when I tried to do them on my own.  When they left, I kept looking around at all that was accomplished in just one day; I felt so relived and peaceful.  I also have friends who have offered to take me out to lunch or pick-up the tab if we go out for beers and just in these small ways, I feel taken care of.  I am in a financial bind, so these gestures help me out practically, but it is more than merely alleviating that.  It is also just the sense of someone looking out for me and wanting to treat me that makes me feel so blessed to have such caring people in my life. 

It will be a blog post for another time, but suffice to say for now that my family members are also great friends to me.  I don’t know where I would be without their support and the ways they help.  This is especially true for my brother and sister-in-law, who live in Kalamazoo and therefore are relied on heavily by me and Ron.

So, this brings me to the shocking part about my circle of friends.  Some of them just have not been there for me since Ron got diagnosed.  I know, right??!!  It seems really crazy, at a time like this, that some of my very best and closest people have been mostly absent from my life for the past year.  I do take into account, as I mentioned before, that I am less available to hang out face-to-face, or even to chat on the phone, so this makes logistics slightly more challenging.  I am not able to be available on other people’s schedules anymore and it is increasingly rare that I can travel or go out of my way to visit others in their home turf.  Initially, I felt a great amount of guilt about this, like I was somehow being a shitty friend.  But, as time has gone on, I have begun to say, ‘Hey, wait a minute here – I am in a time of crisis.  Friends should come to me, not the other way around.’  And it is true.  It does not take much for someone to keep in touch and just check in with me to say hello.  As I said before, simple communication just that you are thinking of me is nice and easy enough.  Knowing that my schedule is very limited, I like it best when there is not an expectation that I need to respond.  I can if I choose, but it is not expected.  So, knowing that it is a relatively simple thing to just say ‘hi’ and make it known that you are thinking of me, where are these absent friends and why haven’t they been there for me?

Ron and I have talked about the weirdness that his illness has caused in some relationships.  Believe it or not, some people are not comfortable talking about the fact that he is dying.  So, then we have these strange visits with people where we talk about everything except his cancer, but it feels very forced and odd and afterward, we wind-up feeling exhausted instead of refreshed.  On the flip side, it is equally bizarre when the only thing a friend wants to talk about is his cancer. . .because, to be honest, sometimes we are just sick of thinking about it and to focus on it all the time is kind of annoying.  Please, folks, as you read this, do not assume you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t.  The answer is simple, really – just talk about what feels right and natural.  Ron and I are both open people, so if you have questions about how we’re doing, feel free to ask them.  But, remember that we do have other things going on in our lives.  And please don’t avoid talking about the cancer situation all together, like the proverbial elephant in the room.  We know (believe me, we know!) it is hard sometimes to talk about, but it is best for all involved if we can just be real with one another. 

On an even more basic level, I think it might just be hard and sad for people to be involved with us during this process.  It takes guts.  Some people might just have too much going on in their own lives to feel like maintaining a friendship with me or Ron during this time.  I can understand that.  I know how important self-care is.  I know this is draining, emotionally and spiritually.  That being said, the absence still hurts and can cause anger for me at times.  How can a person choose to leave me alone just because it is too hard for them to be my friend during this time?  Can’t they see how hard this is for me and that I need them?  It can really piss me off, but I also don’t want to lose my friends entirely.  So, I am trying to come to terms with this, thinking of it as a friend vacation or break of some sort.  I recall my mother singing to me in her very pretty voice, “Make new friends, but keep the old.  One is silver and the other’s gold.”  I plan to try to keep these friends, if it’s possible to feel normal again after absence at a time like this.  I am trying to be forgiving and understanding.     

So, I continue to be amazed, truly amazed, at the ways people have come forward and made my life (and Ron’s) a little easier, warmer, happier, and brighter over this past year.  And not only is it good for me now, but these friends are serving as examples to me of how to be there for others.  In the future, I feel like I will be better able to jump in when someone is in need because I will know firsthand what has been helpful for me.  I cannot wait to pay it forward to someone else, the way people have been taking care of me.  J

I also continue to be saddened by the absent friends (friendship casualties? – no, I refuse to pronounce them dead already).  I wonder if there is any coming back from this. . .once someone has left you high and dry during a time of personal life crisis.  But, rather than focusing on the future and what will be, I try to stay present and allow myself to mourn what needs to be mourned, forgive what I can, accept what is, and set aside and forget what I need to in order to go about my days.  Most importantly, I will continue to allow myself to feel the intense gratitude and joy that comes from the support and friendship I do have, because it keeps me positive and keeps me going.