I have been so stressed out this year. Financially in trouble. Overcommitted time-wise. Feeling guilt for not spending enough time
with family and non-derby friends. Heart
broken as I witness steep decline in both dogs’ health and am faced with hard,
looming choices. Trying to sell my
house. Trying to keep up with the
demands of the house. It is just a
lot.
I do it mostly alone.
I don’t ask for help as often as I actually need it. And when I do, I feel guilty for that,
too. Somewhere in my lifetime I wrote
the script where I need to be awesome and not need anyone but myself. This is just not feasible. We all need help.
Every now and then, I have a taste of closeness with
someone. And when I do, I am reminded of
how much I miss that. I miss emotional
connection. I miss physical touch. When I get a small sample, I want more, more,
more and it consumes me a little, my desire for partnership.
Thank goodness for derby, where it is regular practice not
just to hit and be hit, but also to grope and be groped. I know that sounds weird, but it is the most social
and physical contact I get during the average week and who knows where I would
be without it. But, I have to remind
myself in regular life that it is not OK to walk up to someone and grab their
butt or boob as a greeting. And it is not
OK to hip check or Johnny crash coworkers or family members as a sign of
affection or admiration. But in derby,
it is, and I know this awesome, weird world makes me a better person.
When I feel lonely and yearn for more than what I have, something
happens to remind me that I am too busy to keep close company in my life. Do I keep myself too busy as a way to avoid
loneliness? Or as a way to be unavailable
for a deeper relationship with someone? Because
of course I still just want Ron Clark back.
Which I will not get. But would
it be fair to have a thing with anyone who is not Ron? Maybe fair doesn’t matter. Maybe what matters is what I can handle and
what the hypothetical someone else, willingly and knowingly entering into my
life, can handle.
In spite of loneliness.
In spite of feeling overwhelmed and having too much to do and not enough
help to do it all. In spite of consistently
being the not-quite-pretty-enough but convenient-enough friend. In spite of wanting to be seen and really
loved wholly, the way Ron could see and love me. In spite of all of it, I do sometimes feel loved. Today, I feel loved. It is not one thing. No resounding moment I can tell you
about. I just feel like I have a lot of
people who do care and support me. Friends
from long ago. New friends. Acquaintances that have become friends. Coworkers.
My derby family. My sweet little
niece, now on Skype since they moved to South Carolina, singing back to me the
song I’ve been singing to her since she was born. My family.
My dogs. My own slow-growing respect
for myself. The spirit of Ron, which is
with me always. All of this love is
immense and ever expanding and evolving.
I just need to allow myself to feel and recognize it.
I haven’t blogged much this year out of fear that all it
would be is complaints and venting frustration and whiny pleas for
sympathy. It has been a downcast year
for me. Of course I have been through
and survived worse. I know and can
appreciate that, but still, it has not been pleasant. I need to keep my focus on what I do have
instead of what I don’t. So, in this
moment when I can feel the love, I wanted to blog to acknowledge that there really
is a lot of it in my life. I have so
much love to give and I enjoy giving it.
And I also enjoy receiving.
Thanks to all who have been a part of the exchange. You make a difference.
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